Mann's Generation, Nacho Mann
by A. Mann
Summary: End of Season 5 TNG. Mann is worn out, worn down, and then warped into different timezones. He also has a few crazy and insane encounters with the senior crew.


Mann's Generation

Nacho Mann

Season 5

* * *

Space, the final frontier… These are the voyages of the Starship Valley Forge, it's continuing mission, to explore behind the scenes of what is known, in hope of discovery and understanding, where few have gone before… What a stupid speech…

Male Comm: Captain Nachayev to the bridge please.

Nacho: On my way.

A young Nacho stands up from her bedside chair in standard Excelsior Captain's quarters, and heads out into the corridors.

She emerges on the bridge of the Excelsior class ship, where there are male and female humans occupying most stations. Commander Robin (man in red) is at Captain's right, and Ensign Smythe (woman in yellow) is at Captain's left. All are wearing those horrid early TNG uniforms.

Nacho sits in the command chair.

Nacho: What is it Commander?

Commander Robin: Reading a strange anomaly ahead sir. I'm sorry if I disturbed you for something this trivial.

Nacho: That's alright Commander, you know me, nicer than pie.

Commander Robin: But not to the point where you're sickly, yes sir.

Consoles beep.

Smythe: Sir! It's oscillating! There's an energy surge. A ship is coming through! I'm reading a broadcast hail…

Comm male: ****Federation ship! Need assistance! Taken severe ****! I'm injured!

Nacho: Red alert, science, keep your eyes on the anomaly, Commander Robin, ready tractor beams and pull that poor soul into the shuttle bay, call medics to standby, that man will need help.

Smythe: Message Captain…

Comm male: ****act***ly…

Commander Robin pushes buttons.

Commander Robin: Got it! Bringing it into the shuttle bay…

In a shuttle bay later, similar to Enterprise D shuttle bay but with green and blue console buttons, a type-17 shuttle sits.

Nacho and Robin run in with some medics.

Nacho pushes a button to open the hatch.

Commander Robin: What in the world?

* * *

Captain's Log, The Enterprise lies at Laroomy four near the Neutral Zone. I expect the Romulans to be a pain in our backside as usual.

Pinky: We have two, that is properly said as backsides…

Picard: No, I meant a mix of… You're pulling my leg again…

Pinky chuckles.

Picard loud and senile: I didn't find it funny as soon as I should have… PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-A-S-S-S-S-S-S-SE! FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

* * *

The Enterprise flies around a blue and brown planet.

* * *

Mann is in Troi's office, it's dull in light, he is crying and looks crazed, and is on the couch clutching a fluffy old rabbit toy to his chest. Troi is sitting in her chair listening intently…

Troi: Can you describe your nightmare to me…?

Mann: Just words…

Mann screeches: WORDS!

Mann shrieks: REPEATING WORDS!

Troi: It's alright… Take your time.

Mann: How can I? Riker's gonna be here soon.

Troi: He knows you're in emotional crisis and has allowed you a session with me.

Mann: That's kind.

He starts to stroke the toy rabbit with a shaky hand.

Troi: Now, I want you to try a dreaming technique, and I will help you by interpreting things.

Mann: You mean I fall asleep and you try to read my mind… or run out for a hot chocolate?

Troi: Both are a good idea.

Mann lies on the couch and shuts his eyes, and is holding his rabbit tighter.

Mann sees darkness and listens…

Mann: He's there! Booming, deep voice…

Mann listens and looks in the darkness.

Mann: It's surrounding me!

The darkness lights slightly…

Troi's voice: Mann! Can you hear me? What does it say?

Mann focuses…

Picard's echoing voice: I've got sweets in my underpants, I've got sweets in my underpants, I've got sweets in my underpants…

Mann wakes screaming…

He looks over at Troi who is drinking hot chocolate.

Troi: What did it say Richard?

Mann: It… was the voice… Picard… I've got sweets in my underpants… over and over…

Riker bursts through the door and grabs Mann by the collar.

Riker: You know, I was all set to shout you out of here, but you look so vulnerable… So I'll just pick you up and place you outside… And don't mention those words again to the Counsellor.

Mann crying: Ok. Thanks for understanding.

* * *

Later on the bridge Mann has his rabbit toy on his lap while at the helm. Everyone but Picard is on the bridge at their posts.

Picard walks in, Mann looks at him, then starts shivering.

Data looks at Mann and then frowns.

Data: What is the purpose of that response?

Mann uneasy: Uh?

Picard sits in his chair and notices Mann shivering.

Picard: Mann?

Mann: It speaks, like a monster in the night, tormenting me from my closet. It be, not what is seen but is heard, and to one what is heard… makes me really crazy.

Picard: Mann, maybe you should leave…

Mann uneasy: My shift isn't over yet.

Picard to Riker quietly: Who was talking about shifts?

Mann uneasy: How long until Christmas?

Data: Nine days, four hours, twenty three minutes, and ten seconds.

Mann uneasy: Thanks Data.

Troi: Dick, maybe you should go and spend time with a friend… Ensign Mm is on duty in Ten Forward… Just like Kate used to be… and every Irish crewmember…

Picard alarmed: There is a Dick on my bridge?

Riker: AEY Dick, yes. No one else compares.

Riker looks proud.

Mann: The only definitive Dick on this bridge is me.

Picard: That's for sure.

Mann: I don't mean my stupidity, and Riker, he doesn't mean your posturing standards, if I still had my innuendo war you'd all be screwed… and I'd be screwed for saying that as well, and for stroking my rabbit, although that might be going too far. My name can be shortened to Dick for plenty of reasons. It's a century old… maybe four, tradition, and since Deanna is my friend I let her call me that…

Riker looks angry and stands up, then walks over to Mann.

Mann: Leave me alone Riker, I know you're creeping up, I can smell you.

Mann looks at his console, then looks disinterested.

Mann: Think I will leave after all. Mann to Ensign Ro, report to the bridge.

Mann gets up and carries his rabbit into the front lift.

* * *

Pinky's Log supplementary, I swam in a vertical loop and then I ate some food, then I looked at my rock. Now I'm reading up on the ships scans of this sector, a strange anomaly is present near here that's been coming and going for years, I was going to ask Mann to take me for a closer look but I heard from Will that he's mentally unstable. I can wait for Mann to get better, I've not spent much time with Mann lately and I'd like to… Then again so would Admiral Nacho… Every day she calls me and asks about his activities… The frequency of her calls has gone up since this anomaly was reported to have reappeared… She knows something I don't…

* * *

Mann is in bed in his quarters hours later, it's dark.

Mann cannot sleep and keeps turning over.

Mann: Computer, locate… You know what, don't… SPOT!

…

Mann: Spo-t…

Spot's voice: Mrow!

Mann: That's it, I'm leaving.

Mann gets out of bed fully dressed and leaves the room just as Spot jumps on to the bed in hacking mode wondering where Mann went.

* * *

In the ready room, Pinky is swimming vertically upwards.

Pinky: And the record breaker is… PINKY!

Mann walks in and stands by the tank.

Mann: Hiya Pinky.

Pinky: Hi Mann. Trying to break records here… But they're in no danger of being broken.

Mann: I came because I remembered you wanted a trip to investigate some anomalous sensor reading…

Pinky: Only if you're up to it Mann.

Mann tired: It's gonna be fun…

A door noise sounds and Picard in blue and white striped sleeping hat and dress walks in…

Mann: Captain…

Picard walks to the replicator.

Mann: Sir…

Pinky: He's sleep walking again…

Picard speaks: Rum, lots.

The replicator produces a glass of rum which Picard (with his eyes shut) takes and gulps.

He then proceeds to the couch and faces it.

Picard: What are you doing on my ship?

Mann: This is scary…

Pinky: He's not even started.

Picard: I know it's not easy but we have principles and I will not redecorate!

Picard walks around Mann to his own side of the desk, fiddles under it, and pulls out a dagger. He then faces Mann.

Pinky: That's his stabbing area, move it!

Picard: Darmok, and Picard, at, banana…

He starts stabbing the air wildly.

Picard: I UNDERSTAND IT NOW!

Mann: What is going on? How long has he been doing this?

Picard stops.

Picard: Questions?

Mann: Can he hear me?

Pinky: I'm not sure…

Picard: I am, Locutus, of Snore… Your biologicial and technological washing powder will be added to our own, staining, is futile…

Picard starts walking around the ready room and then starts chasing Mann.

Mann: STOP!

Picard: You will be assimilated!

Mann: G-U-I-I-I-I-N-A-N!

Guinan Comm: Captain this is Guinan…

Picard stops while holding the knife in a stabbing pose.

Picard lowers it.

Picard: Guinan?

Guinan Comm: Put the dagger on the table and let Mann leave.

The comm close noise sounds.

Picard: We will comply.

Picard puts the dagger on the table.

Picard then kneels in front of the fish tank.

Pinky: Now for the seven hour forgivathon… Take me outta here Mann. He's not gonna wake up for ages.

Picard: PL-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-S-E! FOR-GIVE MEEE! PL-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-S-E! FOR-GIVE MEEE!

PL-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-S-E! FOR-GIVE MEEE! PL-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-S-E! FOR-GIVE MEEE!

* * *

Later the shuttle Copernicus closes on a giant white bright blob in space.

Mann: Interesting…

Mann looks at his console, sitting on the vehicles right, with Pinky in a globe tank on the left.

Pinky: Amazing…

Mann: Launching a microprobe…

Pinky: Look at that! The probes power emissions have triggered some sort of intensifying effect.

Mann: Unusual, do you think it could be a temporal disturbance? From these readings…

The shuttle suddenly makes a loud sucking noise and the shuttle alarm sounds. The shuttle starts spinning and falling into the anomaly.

Mann: Sorry about this Pinky…

Mann pushes buttons.

Pinky: Enterprise! Two to transport! Now!

Comm, Ensign Old: Just… One… Minute… Tar…get…ting… hold… on…

Mann: Emergency transporter is online, but low powered, it won't last long…

Mann uses his left hand to dig behind his seat, he pulls out a space helmet.

He then places it on his lap upside down… Then he tips Pinky and Pinky's water into the helmet, then digs behind his seat, pulls out a grey piece of material, places it over the bottom (or in this case top) of the helmet, presses a button on the back of the helmet, and then the material fuses to the helmet.

Mann: There's enough air in there for twenty minutes, hopefully you'll…

The shuttle starts spinning even more violently…

Mann pushes buttons and the helmet beams into space…

Comm Pinky: Don't worry Richard, it's gonna be fine, the Captain… Oh dear.

The shuttle disappears into the anomaly.

Pinky, in his helmet, looks, gulps…

Pinky: Pinky to Picard…

Comm Picard: Yes Pinky? Did I dream that you left?

Pinky: I'm in a space helmet, beam me aboard.

Comm Picard: PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-A-A-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-SE! FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Pinky and the watery helmet are beamed on to the Enterprise.

* * *

In the shuttle, which no longer spins or wails with sirens, Mann sits looking confused at the white outside the window.

Mann: Mann to Enterprise…

Mann concerned: Mann to Pinky…

Mann: reluctant: Mann to Picard…

Mann annoyed: Spot?

Mann: Computer where are we?

Computer: Inside the anomaly.

Mann pushes buttons…

The console makes a stubborn noise.

Mann: Impulse not responding… Hmm… Computer, describe the anomaly in a fashion not consistent with Commander Data.

Computer: The anomaly is a big white blob in space. Exact details unknown. Difficult to escape gravitational force of this anomaly under impulse.

Mann: Tell me something I don't know…

Computer: Spot has sabotaged the thrusters and warp drive systems.

Mann: DAMN! …I didn't know that… And why do I always put Pinky before my own life? Is this a good deed or that human thing called loyalty and friendship? Who cares?

Computer: I do not.

Mann frowns at his monitor.

* * *

On the Enterprise in the ready room Picard in his blue and white striped sleeping dress and hat sits in his chair. Pinky is in a tank on the desk. Riker, LaForge and Data stand around.

Picard: He's dead… Almost certainly, we could send Spot in there, then we'd be certain.

Pinky upset: It's all my fault…

Geordi: It's alright Pinky, for once in my life I can see…

Pinky: I'm over here.

Geordi stops looking at the replicator and looks at the desk.

Riker: It's that stupid Ensign Old… Why haven't we got rid of him?

Picard: Borg deterrent. If they see what humanity can be they might avoid it… only thing is…

Picard stands

Picard: I WILL MAKE THEM PA-A-AY, FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!

He sits back down.

Data: Scans do not reveal anything… Spot has almost destroyed our sensor array with relentless hacking…

Riker: The search can't go much further.

Picard: THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HEE-UCH!

Riker: Alright, but you can tell Ensign Mm…

Everyone looks like there is a down side to Mann's believed death.

Pinky: Can't Deanna do it?

Riker: I don't trust Ensign Mm… His pickup lines are stuff of legend… Mine are old and faded…

Picard: Ensign Mm will be devastated… He will… I'm certain he will…

Riker: What?

Picard: will not Will… Mann's gone five minutes and we're all confused again. And you know what? I never found out what he wanted for Christmas…I was gonna get him some confectionary or clothing…

Data: Does anyone else hear a barely audible high-pitched squeal followed by a request for a toy rabbit?

Picard: No Data... You asked the same after Tasha's funeral.

Riker: Yeah, back then it was because you were standing on Wesley's face…

Data: It was an attempt at a joke.

Picard: I thought that was Wesley.

Pinky: HEY! STOP THAT! I respect Wesley…He's such an eager to please kinda guy…

Everyone looks at each other for a second in confusion…

Pinky: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A tropical fish by day, a piranha by bite!

Everyone laughs realising he was joking.

Data: Should that not be night?

Picard: Data, shut… I'd better get back to announcing the news.

Data: Since it makes you happy, would it be considered good news? May I deliver it.

Picard: Don't do that again… Confusing the good and bad news… And have you considered Ensign Mm? You'll upset him if you tell him in your way.

Riker: What's the deal with Ensign Mm? Are he and Mann… somehow… because…

Picard: That's a damn good question, quite right Number One, quite right…

Geordi: I think they were at the academy together… They went on some mission that got a little heated….

Everyone: Yuck! Uhf…

Geordi: No, I mean, they were attacked by mercenaries, Mann risked his life to save Mm… and it meant crawling through a turkey farm to do it… Mann had so many heart-attacks that day…

Riker: I was at the academy with Troi…

Geordi: And from what she says nothing got heated…

Riker: You bas…

Picard: Enough! Time I announced the news about Mann.

Riker: Who's gonna tell that Admiral?

Picard: Nachayev? She always acts like she hates me and constantly requires re-introducing to me to somehow undermine my importance.

Data: Mann once undermined Spot… I have not been able to locate the device but he said it would go off sometime today… Ishn't vat wite Shpot?

Data lifts up Spot from nowhere and starts stroking him/her.

Everyone's eyes bulge.

Picard: Data, I hear ticking…

Data: Is it your artificial heart sir?

Picard: Duck!

Pinky: AAA! WHERE?

Picard: I MEANT THE OTHER KIND! PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ASE! FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

* * *

In Ten Forward three minutes later, it's crowded, Ensign Mm stands by the middle view port looking into space. There is a drunk yellow-shirt guy in the middle of the room.

Command whistle with added synthesiser.

Comm Picard: Attention all hands, this is Captain Picard.

Comm: BOOM!

Everything and everyone goes silent.

Drunk guy: BIG DEAL! MY DRINK HAS MORE HAIR THAN THAT GUY!

Comm Picard: Bloody cat…. It is my sad duty to inform you of… Data! Where's that cat going! My Shakespeare book! OH DAMN IT! GET OUT! TAKE THAT BLOODY MONSTER WITH YOU! … All hands, it is my mad duty to inform you of the death… of a most remarkable… Mann…

Everyone is stunned, then looks at Ensign Mm sympathetically. Ensign Mm looks instantly broken up.

Drunk guy: THIS IS TERRIBLE! AND SO'S MANN'S LOSS!

Picard's voice: Richard Mann has died in the line of duty serving Starfleet to the very bitter end… He maintained several of Starfleet's finest traditions…

* * *

In Mann's room, Spot is hacking the bed…

Comm Picard: Except he forgot to kill Spot… I know he always had a special place in his heart for her…

Spot stops hacking and looks upset.

Comm Picard: Just as he did for turkeys, he couldn't stand them.

Spot resumes hacking looking angry.

* * *

In Ten Forward…

Picard's Voice: He will be missed by all who liked him, and missed less, by all other one thousand and ten people. The auction in his quarters… will begin after I've looted the place… One final thing, Pinky blames himself for the death of Mann, so to his friends and to him, Pinky has this request…

Comm Pinky: PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-SE! FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Picard's voice: Picard out.

The comm end sound sounds.

Mm turns around to see Picard standing behind him.

Picard: Pinky would like your forgiveness… Has he got it?

Mm nods: Mm.

Picard leaves, everyone in the room rushes over to Ensign Mm who starts quietly crying.

Guinan rushes over form behind the bar whacking people on the head (who say ouch and rub their heads) with the edges of her hat as she pushes through in an S shape.

Drunk Guy sarcastic: OW! Yeah, straight lines aren't easy to do…

Guinan concerned and the-only-one-who-can-help mode: Mm, I'm so sorry, I tend bar, and I listen…

Mm: Mm…

* * *

Mann is lying on the floor of the shuttle with a small probe tool aimed at a square patch of technology in the floor where a piece of carpet has been removed.

Mann: Bloody warp engines… What kind of computer grants command level access to a cat?

Computer: This one. Why are you lying around instead of pondering what your crew will think of your supposed demise?

Mann: Search me…

Computer beeps: One milk chocolate bar detected in your right pocket, small growth detected on your a…

Mann: Stop. Right that should do it… And I don't know who programmed you to talk like that but it must stop.

Mann returns to his seat.

He puts the probe down on the free chair, then presses some buttons.

Power up noise.

Mann: Warp field online, warp engines ready… engage!

Computer beep.

The console explodes and sets fire to Mann's jumper.

He screams and removes it revealing a non-regulation blue and white jazzy/fuzzy patterned T-shirt with a stupid comment printed on it in yellow leaky ink look.

Mann starts stamping on his jumper with his left foot until the fire goes out.

Mann: Oh well, nice souvenir for Spot…

Mann: What happened?

Computer: You did not properly configure the warp field.

Mann: I did.

Computer: It is on the wrong frequency, and the energy systems were not properly repaired.

Mann: You are one away from getting a boot in your hard drive.

Computer: If you intend to reboot this system please save all unsaved documents or they will be lost… I am not going to bail you out again by creating a document recovery file.

Mann: Enough of this.

Mann pushes buttons…

Computer: Warning. That would not be advisable…

Mann: Shut up! I'll show you not properly configured…

Computer: Warning. New sensor data. Anomaly affected by warp field frequency… It would be inadvisable to…

Mann presses a button and the 'engage' sound plays.

The shuttle stretches and twists and makes a loud power building noise. Consoles explode.

Mann: OW!

The shuttle appears to fly off in every direction out of the anomaly.

* * *

Mann wakes later… consoles are flickering.

Mann: That was nasty…

Comm: Pinky to Mann! Answer me!

Mann: Pinky?

Pinky: Mann what happened? We thought you were dead, and we detected about fifty shuttles bursting out of the anomaly…

Mann: What? Where are they?

Pinky: No idea, but something that does give us an idea, and is so obvious that idiot Data wouldn't pick up on it, are all of those temporal distortions. Time travel…

Data Comm: How easily humans do that.

Mann: He's a fish you idiot.

Mann: I need to check the sensors.

* * *

Later on the bridge at the end science station Mann is looking.

Everyone else is gathered around.

Mann: Look! The anomaly did some weird thing that refracted my shuttle into different time zones… like light hitting a crystal.

Picard: Or this vase hitting Data's head.

Picard smashes a brown vase over Data's head.

Geordi: I see…

Mann: There's a first.

Geordi: If we can…

He raises his hands to chest level…

Geordi: ...Inverse the warp field… We can…

Mann sharp and very fast: Insanely spin towards the anomaly and severely damage the ship and tear the crap out of the space-time continuum before overloading the warp core resulting in a breach and our pain-filled agonising deaths, (mini breath)Who put this blind guy in charge of our most sophisticated technology?

Picard: I'm confused… Lights? Crystals? Are you sure that's not glass instead of a crystal? Or that you're talking nonsense and are confused about light and rain and rainbows?

Troi excited: I like rainbows!

Riker looks surprised.

Riker: I knew that.

Picard looking mischievous: If we inverse Riker can his bulk be diverted into different time zones so we can free up some space on the bridge?

Riker frowns.

Mann: I wish I knew what happened to all those other Manns…

* * *

Nacho stands up from her bedside chair in standard Excelsior Captain's quarters, and heads out into the corridors.

She emerges on the bridge of the Excelsior class ship, where there are male and female humans occupying most stations. Commander Robin (man in red) is at Captain's right, and Ensign Smythe (woman in yellow) is at Captain's right. All are wearing those horrid early TNG uniforms.

Nacho sits in the command chair.

Nacho: What is it Commander?

Commander Robin: Reading a strange anomaly ahead sir. I'm sorry if I disturbed you for something this trivial.

Nacho: That's alright Commander, you know me, nicer than pie.

Commander Robin: But not to the point where you're sickly, yes sir.

Consoles beep.

Smythe: Sir! It's oscillating! There's an energy surge. A ship is coming through! I'm reading a broadcast hail…

Comm: ****Federation ship! Need assistance! Taken severe ****! I'm injured!

Nacho: Red alert, science, keep your eyes on the anomaly, Commander Robin, ready tractor beams and pull that poor soul into the shuttle bay, call medics to standby, that man will need help.

Smythe: Message Captain…

Comm male: ****act***ly…

Commander Robin pushes buttons.

Commander Robin: Got it! Bringing it into the shuttle bay… Confirming one occupant, a man.

* * *

In a shuttle bay later, similar to Enterprise D shuttle bay but with console showing green and blue instead of yellow and blue, a type-17 shuttle sits.

Nacho and Robin run in with some medics.

Nacho pushes a button to open the hatch.

Commander Robin: What in the world?

Mann stands up from the floor and steps out.

Commander Robin reading: "I'm a busy Man, Shakespeare rules, out damn Spot?"

Mann: Mann actually.

Mann looks at Nacho.

Mann: Admiral. Nice to see you again, what's with the costumes?

Nacho: I am Captain Nachayev, have we met?

Mann: It's me, Richard. You look at me funny and find excuses to be alone with me.

Nacho: No idea who you are… What ship are you from?

Mann faints.

Nacho: You can't get out of this that easily…

Mann stands back up.

Mann: Ok. Commander Richard Mann, Shuttlecraft Copernicus, or what's left of it. In order that I not violate the Temporal Prime Directive I had better be going.

Nacho: Time travel…

Mann: Yep… and Commander over there, it's Mann actually… One Mann is the occupant.

Nacho: We can't let you go with your ship in that state and with such severe injuries.

Mann: It'll be fine… Actually if Crusher's on duty it won't be.

Mann pompous, cocky, sarcastic: Take me to your sickbay…

* * *

Later after recovering, Mann is in the shuttle with Captain Nacho.

Mann: It's broken. Not going to work.

Nacho: I've ordered the shuttle bay to be contained, no one but I am allowed in here.

Mann: Good. If they see how little technology advances in the next few years, and how loud the acting gets they'll all kill themselves.

Nacho: When did you last eat?

Mann: I ate some cat fur last night…

Nacho: The diet of the future? Perhaps something hot? Nachos?

Mann: Alright. Better than catnip…

Nacho: You really do eat cat food?

Mann: No, I get nipped, by a cat… Spot. Which is why I like the Scottish Play so much… Out damn Spot!

Nacho: Which explains your t-shirt… Ordinarily someone would bring you up on charges for not wearing that maroon t-shirt you're supposed to wear… But I'm not really a strict person and procedures don't matter too much.

* * *

Personal Log, Captain Nachayev, supplementary. This Mann from the future is a delightful person. He has a high intake of nachos and an incredible sense of humour and he says that I'm more pleasant than he ever would have imagined… I don't see why in the future I would be so tight with regulations and genocide missions… Anyway he has already violated the temporal prime directive, and he told me that if we sacrifice one of our shuttles for him to use, the timeline would be contaminated further…

Nacho grumpy: Although I think he's just saying that because our ship is fully stocked on nachos and shuttles don't replicate nachos…

* * *

Later on the Enterprise Mann is standing in front of Crusher's desk, she is sitting at it.

Mann: What?

Crusher: I just analysed your scans… There's a problem. You haven't just been copied, you've been sliced. Each slice is deteriorating. If we can get you all back together you might stabilise.

Mann: How?

Crusher: I've asked a technically minded person, he believes we can safely enter the anomaly, project a deflector beam to mimic your warp field frequency at the point where you divided, and should be able to see where you went in all timelines. If you're still in the area we can beam all the Manns back here and then escape the anomaly using a safer method of warp travel than your botched shuttle.

Mann: Wow, for you that is really technical… I need to sit down.

Mann sits

Muffled screech: MR-OOO-WOW-OW-OWOW!

Mann stands and Spot dives at his face from the chair.

Mann runs over to the glass wall and shakes his head so Spot bangs against it and is incapacitated… Mann sits back down, peels Spot off his face and throws her behind the chair.

Crusher: Do you not want to know who came up with this plan? He was very concerned when I told him about your problem.

Mann: You've been violating confidentiality again?

Guinan walks past Crusher's office.

Guinan: Hope that sore on your behind gets better.

She leaves.

Mann: Who was it that was technical?

Crusher: Turn around.

Mann turns to see Ensign Mm smiling.

Mann: Mm!

Mm grabs Mann and hugs him…

Mann: Cru…Crusher… Air! AIR!

Crusher: Plus we need to discuss your cat scan, it appears there is a cat-shaped tumour developing on your face…

Mann: No, Spot just hid inside the scanner.

* * *

In the past, Mann and Nacho are sitting in a small grey room having a candle lit dinner.

Mann: So I said, where's the fire?

Nacho laughs.

Nacho: It's great that you can imagine those 'endings to jokes without beginnings' so fast. It makes it seem like we've been talking for ages to any sort of observer who just arrived.

Mann: I know, so the Romulan looked at the Klingon and said, cheesecake.

Nacho laughs more.

Mann: You said there was some medical thing?

Nacho: Yes, the scanners in the lab malfunctioned and the Doctor wants to examine you again.

Mann: It can wait… I said.

Nacho laughs.

* * *

Later the Enterprise flies into the anomaly.

On the bridge everyone is at a post, Mann at helm, Data at Ops, Troi next to Picard, Crusher on Worf's right, Geordi at Engineering, Mm at the left science console.

Mann: As long as Spot hasn't hacked our ship to death we should be able to escape without trouble, I've changed our warp field frequency to a stable safer one that shouldn't stimulate the anomaly.

Riker: I hope that in some other time line where you go near Troi, I stop you.

Troi: Will, we've been over this, I'm over you.

Riker: It was never a question of what **you** wanted.

Picard shouts: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Mann laughs.

Everyone else stares at Picard.

Picard: Is Mann the only one here who knows about daytime televisual entertainment in ancient culture?

Geordi: I know about it, because Mann's been storing some old movies on my visor, they keep replaying and… (sings) I-E-I-E-I will always lo-o-o-ove yo-o-ou… I mean, They keep replaying and driving me insane.

Worf looks at Crusher.

Worf: You still want him in a play?

Crusher: Yes… With lack of talent like that he's gonna be the most ironic blind guy in the quadrant…again.

Geordi: Captain, reading something…

Picard: Report.

Geordi: Incy wincy spider went up the water spout…

Picard: Elaborate.

Geordi: Down came the rain and washed the spider out…

Picard: Interesting, what do you make of this Number One?

Riker: I think Mann's been messing with Geordi's visor again.

Geordi: He breaks into my quarters to mess with it, I can't lay traps because I can't see where I put them and I end up getting hurt.

Mann: While the deflector is preparing, does anyone have any ideas about what could be going on in other timelines? Maybe ones without Riker…

Mann is hit on the head with a frying pan.

* * *

On the Enterprise bridge, exactly the same layout and crew at stations, in another timeline, everyone wearing DS9 style uniforms…

Geordi: Reading something Captain.

Picard: Report.

Geordi: Pride and Prejudice.

Picard: Run a diagnostic.

Geordi: She's a slut, she's a fool, and I don't know what his problem is.

Picard: Data, theorise for me…

Data: There are much better stories than this.

Picard: Jardi, are you still having trouble?

Geordi: Nope, last page…

Mann: I'm tired of there being two of me… where's the other me anyway?

Another Mann in the blue T-shirt falls from the lift by Geordi with a shrieking cat attached to him.

Picard: There's your answer. Now when you said that there were other shuttles possibly in other times why did you call them timelines?

Mann: Because they are uncertain, so may not yet be part of our established timeline, for example, we're heading into the anomaly to return this Mann to a ship we hope will be waiting, if Spot goes with him to the recent past, there would be a paradoxical Spot on this future ship, making two Spots for a certain time over the last few days, so the future, our present would be changed… So since it is all variable I'd prefer to call it a possible timeline rather than a certain time.

Picard, Data, Crusher, Troi, Geordi, other Mann: I have no idea what you just said.

Mm agreeing: Mm…

Picard: Yes and there have been two Spots on this ship, in fact, I think that one might be the duplicate… so how can the duplicate be a duplicate if it was never from an original in the first place?

Everything twists

Mann: Stop destroying our timeline!

Picard: It doesn't take a blind theorist to realise you're explanation of Spots is flaud.

Geordi: Yeah, they're caused by grease and irritation.

Troi: Let's just accept that Mann is stupid and there are no duplicate Spots...

Everything stops twisting.

Riker: Few, I wouldn't wanna go through that again, or before...

Everything twists again.

* * *

On the USS Valley Forge in the dining booth Mann and Nacho sit.

Mann: These past two years have moved so rapidly… If I'd gone for that medical check-up that day we wouldn't have been married.

Nacho: Yes… I'd certainly not have felt the pain of twenty four children…

Comm: Bridge to Nachayev, we're approaching Earth.

* * *

On the main Enterprise.

Mann: These sensors are so confusing… There's another ship in here with us… It's doing what we're doing and it's twisting up our rescue situation! It's making time move faster in some places and slower in others, it's disrupting everything, our timelines are being merged and they aren't meant to be!

Picard: Theorise Data…

BOOM!

Data's head instantly explodes.

Picard: Mann, why do you call it timeline and not time?

BOOM!

Data's neck explodes.

The ship starts twisting and rocking around.

Worf: Severe disruption to our molecular structure… They're on a collision course!

Picard: All this twisting would stop if Riker stopped being carried around by the inertia.

Mann: Locking phasers…

As one twisty Enterprise passes the other, the other fires a phaser at the impulse engine.

Mann: Got it. Now they have no choice but to leave…

Picard: Beam the Mann off that ship if he's in a blue T-shirt.

Crusher: I'd better do it, Geordi doesn't understand colour.

Geordi: Hey you just…

Picard: Now is not the time Commander!

The bridge shakes violently, still.

The other Enterprise warps out of the anomaly and the ship stops shaking.

Crusher: We got the Mann.

Picard: Why did that other ship cause us chaos?

Mann: I would assume it's because they had burst into our part of the anomaly where they weren't meant to be… ask Q, he should know about this stuff.

Picard: Being a split Mann has certainly made you more intelligent… Do we really have to re-merge you with others?

* * *

In the other timeline, Mann and Nacho are five years on, in an office that looks like Sisko's office from Homefront and Paradise Lost.

Nacho is sitting at the desk. Mann is standing in front of it.

Mann: These seven years have been great…

Nacho: Did you ever get to that medical exam?

Mann: What med… No.

Nacho: Why not go now? Seven years is long enough to wait. Unless you're planning on having more children.

Mann: I'll go when we get to the USS Repulse, it's going back to investigate that anomaly that brought me here all those years ago…

Nacho: Alright, I'm sure they have a good compliment of medical staff. They were talking about placing me in charge of that investigation…

* * *

Mann is in a room later that looks like the Enterprise Re-fit sickbay (1701) Mann is on the main bed and a younger Pulaski is scanning him with a tricorder.

Mann: So Lieutenant, what's it look like inside a Mann?

Pulaski looks awkward.

Mann: What?

Pulaski: Mann, you are coming apart at the seams…

Mann: What?

Pulaski: Somehow your molecules are all destabilising.

Mann: What?

Pulaski: I've only seen something like this in a text book about a transporter malfunction, but it's in such a different situation…

Pulaski remembers Captain Kirk splitting in the transporter: I'M GAPTIN GUU-U-U-R-RK! I WANNA LIVE!

Mann: I'm… destabilising… right, no need to panic… How long do I have?

Pulaski: About fifteen minutes.

Mann loud and high pitched: WHAT? FIFTEEN MINUTES?

Pulaski: Where's Admiral Nachayev?

Mann: She's off getting it made official. She's on the bridge with Admiral Aaron.

Pulaski: In theory a transporter graft could save you… if you were grafted on to a stable set your molecules could be merged and stabilised…

Mann: Is anyone suicidal?

Pulaski: Yes… Lieutenant Wrightwell, he thinks his career is over since some stupid Commander intimidated him for speaking to his ex. who interestingly was a Betazoid Counsellor…

Mann: Ooh, continuity. Time he got a Mann in life.

Mann runs out.

Pulaski: Which one? …That Mann's been wearing that same T-shirt for seven years… Wonder what he uses to keep it smelling so fresh…

* * *

Mann runs down corridors.

Mann while running: Computer, set ten minute countdown. And drop the gravity a little, I'm to fat to run after having all those kids.

Computer: Nine minutes, fifty.

Mann continues running.

He emerges at another corridor section and runs up it.

Computer: Nine minutes.

Mann reaches a doorway, enters a small dark room and climbs up a black ladder in a cramped long cylindrical tube.

Computer: Five minutes…

Mann emerges in a similar room, exits and runs up a cramped corridor covered in wires, pipes and metal lumps here and there, he then stops by the unobstructed entrance to a turboshaft and grabs a red shirt guy by the neck.

Guy: HURGH! William please!

Mann: You're coming with me!

* * *

In the anomaly the Enterprise is firing a deflector beam.

* * *

On the bridge…

Picard stands between Mann and Data.

Picard: Where is it?

Mann: It's firing, but since it's the same colour as the anomaly you can hardly see it.

Picard: Geordi before you say anything, keep it shut.

Crusher: We're beaming aboard the Manns from the other timelines, most of them are still quite close to the anomaly exit points…

Worf: Transporter range has increased but several Manns are eluding us…

Picard: Can we stabilise Mann with only a few of them recovered?

Crusher: Yes I believe so. The ones we don't recover will die though.

Picard: Grand.

Mann: HEY!

* * *

In the past…

Computer: Three minutes.

Mann: Mann to computer, two to beam to transporter one!

Mann and the Lieutenant beam out and appear on the pad in a transporter room like that of the Enterprise A.

Mann: Wrightwell stay on the pad…

Mann leaps through the glass, over the desk and taps on the control panel… not noticing the man he's knocked to the floor…

Crewman Old: I would… have… got… too it… shortly…

Computer: Thirty seconds…

* * *

On the Enterprise bridge…

Worf: Transports complete, we have all the Menn we need.

Mann: Manns actually.

Crusher: There's one more just coming into range of the transporter.

Picard turns and looks at Crusher.

Picard: Get that Mann!

* * *

In the past…

Mann leaps on to the pad and he and Wrightwell are consumed by transporter beams.

* * *

In sickbay on the USS Repulse later, Nacho, Aaron, Pulaski stand around the main biobed looking upset.

Nacho: He just… dissolved?

Pulaski: Well no… But he demolecularised.

Aaron: Too much for my head to take…

An average looking man in a Lieutenant Commander's uniform walks in.

Pulaski: Wrightwell… You're not dead… Did you see Mann?

Wrightwell: I'm not sure, I had an urge to come and see Admiral Nachayev but… I can't remember why… It might have been about a man…

Nacho upset: Mann actually… He's gone, he didn't make it…

Aaron: For some reason when the anomaly started to fade, all evidence of him seemed to go as well… His shuttle that was quarantined out here vanished, his transporter records from this ship have gone… It's as if they were wiped intentionally…

Nacho: What am I going to do? We had enough children to represent Mann's hatred of cats, which was one hundred percent… What can I tell poor little Richard junior, Dick, Dennis, William, Ricky, Ricardo, Ronan, Wallis, Lennox, Hazel, Spot, Pinky, Mm, Renold, Ronaldo, Jean, Luc, Kyoto, Bruce, Jim, James, Leonard, Eric, Richard Junior the second, Richard junior the third, Liam, Desmond, David, Paulette, Misty, Maisy, Daisy, little fat Helen, Jean Luc, Thomas, Benjamin, Bill, Kim, Kurt, Alex, Alexandra, Alexander, Quentin, Gregory, Nora, Donald, Geordi, Deanna, I-haven't-forgotten-about-Riker, Jean Luc the second, Laura, Lauren, Lionel, Richard the fourth, Cliff, Barry, Keith, Peter, Joe, Rod, Ian, Leroy, Norman, Sweetie, Chesnutt, Cashew, Iain, Nigel, Christopher, Harry, Lucy, Paula, Jerry, Jack, Brian, Glen, Glenda, Debby, Catherine, Kathryn, Caitlin, Morris, Abigail, Tabatha, Lorenzo, Gene, Derek, Kirk, Nelson, Arnold, Rosa, Ruby, Riley, Sharon, Philip, Herman, Daniel, Danielle, Victoria, and Gillian?

Everyone else looks sleepy and disinterested.

Pulaski looks alarmed, then looks Nacho up and down.

Pulaski: What in the world? You should be really...

Aaron: Erm… All of those have the surname Mann?

Nacho: Yes, they all have middle names too.

Wrightwell: Forgive me, but what kind of name is 'I-haven't-forgotten-about-Riker'?

Nacho: Mann said we have to name one kid that if we name the other Deanna.

Pulaski: What about the anomaly?

Everyone else: UHF!

They all walk out.

* * *

On the Enterprise D in the future…

Mann: That's it… We have all the Manns that we're going to get.

Picard: Get us out of this anomaly… this has been a pain in the arse. I'm bored stupid.

Mann: Hey Data, what do you think?

Data's headless body raises its right hand and flicks two fingers at Mann.

Mann: Engaging warp…

The ship shakes then is flung back into normal space.

Geordi: The anomaly… It's collapsing… How?

Mann: Must be to do with the amount of Manns wedging it open. We managed to transport out or self destruct any shuttles or computer records in the other time lines and time zones so that there's less contamination.

Picard: Good. Fine, re-integrate my shuttles and get yourself rescrambled. And someone fix Data's head.

Mann: If I didn't do it a year ago I'm not doing it now.

* * *

Later in the transporter room, Crusher and O'Brien are at the console, There are many Manns crammed on the pad.

O'Brien: Ready to transport the mans... Energising.

All Manns loud and echoing: Manns actually

The transporter room rumbles.

The Manns disappear in a transporter field, one then reappears out of transport.

Mann: AAA!

Crusher: Mann?

Mann: I have so many memories that I didn't have before…

Crusher: Like what?

Mann looks around.

Mann: Can't remember…

Crusher: Well good, The console says you're molecules are fine…

Picard's Comm: Technology is useless... Like Dianna!

Troi Comm: Deanna!

Crusher: So you're alright to leave my care. I'm needed in the shuttle bay, some idiot beamed and stacked all the shuttles into one bay and Ensign Blank went in there and they all fell on him.

Mann: The troubles of being an expendable yellow shirt…

O'Brien: When you're done I'll re-integrate the shuttles.

Mann: They lasted longer than me because they're artificial, I'm natural and decay faster.

O'Brien: SHUT UP MANN! THIS MISSION'S BEEN CONFUSING ENOUGH AS IT IS!

* * *

Later in Ten Forward, Mann is sitting at the middle table nursing a glass of pink liquid. He sees an Excelsior class drop out of warp.

Mann: Oh for…

* * *

Captain's Log, the Enterprise is being approached by an excelsior class ship. It had better not be another admiral rendezvous.

Pinky: C'mon man! Do it with feeling! Embrace your French heritage!

Picard: I FORGOT MYSELF! S'IL VOUS PLAIT! PARDONNER MOI!

Pinky: That's a little better... Is that in the right order though? I thin...

Picard: Fine I admit it, I never learned French for the reason Mann often says...They all speak English. I just used a translator most of my childhood years.

* * *

The Enterprise engines flame red and it tries to outrun the approaching excelsior class ship.

* * *

Later…

Mann enters transporter room 3 as Admiral Nacho, her assistant, and some yellow shirt people beam aboard. Picard is waiting.

Picard: Nacho, you're back.

Nacho: Yes, we love to keep it brief don't we?

Picard: Good, you brought some expendables… Guys, when the main cast are done talking, will you join me in the phaser range?

Mann: Admiral?

Nacho: Mann… We're here because we intend to investigate the anomaly… that conveniently closed before we arrived, it appeared out here four times before, once I was a witness to it.

Mann: Bo-o-o-o-ring. Come with me and I'll fetch you guys some quarters.

Nacho: Did I present my aide. This is Commander Wrightwell.

Mann: Commander Wrightwel?

Commander: Wrightwell actually…

Everyone looks at each other in confusion.

Mann: Coincidence… I also enforce my name…. Anyone care for some nachos this evening?

Nacho: I love nachos but I haven't and won't eat them because of a… personal matter. And I moved on to a certain canope but they remind me of the time I was really fat because I had about fifty eight children all at once... Anyway, no nachos. Temporal Prime Directive.

Mann: Strange…I know you love them… now c'mon you lot let's find some quarters.

Everyone else stands open-mouthed frowning in horror at the possibilities.

* * *

A session with Counsellor Troi.

Picard is sitting furiously on the couch, Troi is on the chair.

Picard: I'm annoyed. The last mission was a complete bore.

Troi loud: I've never seen someone sitting furiously before... I SENSE INCREDIBLE DECEPTION! IT'S CONSTRICTED SO TIGHT IF IT BURSTS IT'LL FILL THIS ROOM!

The wall on Picard's left bursts and Riker emerges…

Troi: Told you.

Riker is holding a PADD and pen.

Picard: A PADD, a pen?

Riker: Yes… I'm just… listening in… and filling out crew evaluations… and… (mumbles) getting some blackmail material…

Picard: Am I correct in assuming you cannot detect spellings?

Riker: Yes…

Picard: Then proceed to deck thirty, section four, there's plenty of blackmail material in Jefferies Tube Seventy-one.

Riker leaves.

Picard: Let's just wait a moment…

Geordi distant: OH NOW THAT'S NOT VERY NICE…

Picard chuckles…

Picard: Mann wouldn't have made that mistake.

* * *

In Mann's quarters, there's a stand off…

Mann is by the bathroom entrance holding a flea comb, Spot is posturing in the living space.

Mann: You've had this coming Spot…

Spot hisses.

They both run at each other and a huge smoky cloud appears, Spot flies into the bathroom mirror, then jumps back at Mann and the cloud reappears…

A hiss and a scream later, Mann flies out of the cloud into the replicator…

Spot: Mrow, Mr-r-row.

Computer: Feline supplement nine.

Mann: Oh no…

Cat food splatters on Mann's head…

Mann: I'm gonna kill you!

Mann dives at Spot and grabs her, then runs to the bathroom whilst being hacked, he opens the sink with his knee and forces Spot into it, then closes it.

Mann: Few….

Mann walks to his bed,,, The corridor door opens and a soaked Spot runs back in and dives at Mann and hacks at his face.

Another smoky cloud…

Mann's hand comes out of the cloud, grabs a small bronze statue of Captain Picard holding a fish tank, and then whacks Spot with it. The cloud disappears and both lie there unable to carry on.

Mann: I won…

Spot: M-ow.

Data walks in complete with a new head.

Data: What are your intentions toward my cat?

Mann: The three Ds. Death, Destruction, Decapitation.

Data: You cannot…

Mann: Data…

Data: Point taken, you can, however I would prefer it if you did not.

Mann: Tidy the mess your cat made then you can take her.

Picard walks past outside, then comes back, stands by Data and frowns.

Picard: You are bathing in cat food?

Mann: Aye Sir.

Picard: Explain.

Mann: Spot didn't want her hair thinned.

Picard: What's wrong with having thinned hair?

Mann: For one thing she'd look too amusing, for another she'd look disgusting…

Picard: Is that what you see when you look at me?

Mann: No.

Picard: Why not? Ever think I want to look amusing?

Mann: You are amusing, for example, Pinky wants forgiveness…

Picard: PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E…

Data's ear sparks and one catches Picard's horseshoe hair and burns it.

Picard feels the back of his head.

Picard: NO! I'M BALD! I'M A MONSTER! I'M A FREAK!

He runs away upset and wailing.

* * *

To preserve the timeline and the temporal prime directive Nacho decided it best that she not reveal her last experience as a Captain to anyone, even at the time it happened she kept the exposed information to a minimum…

Picard tried out a toupee for a week, but it was too hilarious for the crew that they couldn't concentrate on their duties…

Pinky broke the vertical tank swim record by one hour, twenty three minutes, ten seconds…

Riker had a long talk with Troi before deciding he was right to continue acting the same way…

Data's head being improperly repaired by a blind man resulted in it being blown off several times this year.

And the crew had only a few days left until Christmas.


End file.
